Melancholy
by kazezero
Summary: An AU fic, written based on Tomoyo's point of view of Sakura. It gets a bit dark.
1. Wandering Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: Card Captor Sakura does not, I repeat does not belong to me. I merely borrowed the characters to write a fan fiction, but the characters Rika and Mido are mine, all mine. (muh ha ha) This was my first fan fiction, so please do comment on it. My grammar isn't that great here since I didn't go back to it that much.   
  
Summary: An AU fic, written based on Tomoyo's point of view of Sakura. It gets a bit dark. 

**Wandering Thoughts **  
Written by: Kazezero  


Mido-chan e

Wah! Gomen ne, for not writing for so long. But the words below should make it up. Dakara, forgive me ne?   
  
Even when I was younger, I have often wondered if things happen for a certain reason. Like, meeting a person and becoming their friend or maybe even being what I am now. Maybe, I pondered, I was supposed to be something that is totally different than me. No, no don't get me wrong, I am not saying that fate made a mistake or something like that, but perhaps I made a mistake in my past life and I'm just making it back up in this lifetime.   
  


Whenever I get depressed, I would always blame myself for the things I realized that I did wrong, except it seemed too late to correct now. Should I try to fix it? Or should I just leave it the way it is? Often, I never tried to fix it because it always seems that the more I tried to fix things, the more complicated and disoriented the problem becomes. Therefore, I stopped trying to fix it anymore. But, I recalled that many people said to me, "it is never too late to fix things." Then I would argue, if you leave things alone for too long, there was no possible way to restore it again.

Sakura-chan wa watashi no daisetsu no tomodachi desu. _Sakura-chan is my important friend._ She is always so cheery; you would think that there is nothing wrong in her life at all. But that's not true; this is an act that she puts up to hide her secrets and to not burden anyone else with her problems. Often, I would think that she is a friend that I don't deserve because she is so unselfish. She is so strong and kind on both the surface and within. Though I know for sure, that she would want to just have a personality that is totally opposite of what she is now. 

I also know that a lot of her friends find her the easiest person to talk to because she understands and I guess, maybe she would listen and give great advice on their problems. For me, let's see... I can't really talk to her because I feel as if I'll be another person that would just add another burden upon her many problems (her friends' problems and her own) that she carries already. To tell the truth, the thing I want the most from Sakura-chan is for her to tell me her secrets. So that maybe she would be less pressured by the weight she carries on her shoulders. 

Anyway, ever since the beginning I doubted our friendship because I was scared... scared of doing something I did before in my past and also I felt that our friendship was mostly based on liking materialistic items. I still feel this way even now. 

Hmm…though you know what, the thing that I wish with all my heart (setting all doubts aside) is that she would find true happiness. The type that exists in fairy tales, you know "happily ever after." I know that in this world there isn't a perfect happiness, since without sadness or pain, you wouldn't even know happiness. So, then I guess a true happiness that she can find in family, friendship and love. 

Rika is a friend of Sakura-chan and me. She is such a kind person. She is always very polite and proper. Somehow, though whenever we are together talking, I would realize more and more why well, she is now becoming closer and closer to Sakura-chan. No, no I'm not jealous or anything. I think I'm just sad about the fact that I'm losing Sakura- chan. At the same time though, I'm actually quite content that she would find more happiness in becoming friends with her than me. I know that she would probably argue that it is not true. But the reason, I think this way was that I feel that the more I spend time around Sakura-chan, I would make her sadder even farther; for many events occurred and that kind of split us apart. Another reason that put this idea into my head was the fact that the two of them seems really happy whenever they are around each other. I think that they would find the happiness that I found when I was around Sakura-chan in the past. The third reason that convinced me this idea was that both Sakura-chan and I gave her Christmas presents that are very similar to each other. But, when I saw the expression on Sakura- chan's face, she seemed much more happy with her gift than my own. I felt really sad that time, actually I feel sad even now. Then again, the friendship that they have with one another now is so much greater than that I have with Sakura-chan currently. 

Ah, too many depressing thoughts ne? Hmm. Well… as long as Sakura-chan is happy then I am happy as well. I really hope she would find the true happiness in her friendship with Rika-chan, for I would be sad if she doesn't. Anyway, sorry again for not writing for so long Mido-chan! But I'm really grateful that you listened to me. Arigatou! Anyhow, mada ne!

  
  
-Tomoyo 

_Completed: 2003_


	2. Depression

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from Card Captor Sakura. They are the property of CLAMP. I merely borrowed the characters because I wanted to write something about my favorite characters.

**Depression**  
Written by: kazezero

Mido-chan e

It's been a while, hasn't it? A great deal has occurred since the last entry that I had written in here. By estimation, I would say that around ten months has lapsed already.

Over the course of this time, I had begun spending more time with Rika-chan. Each day we would speak of things that may seem mundane to others, but I was really glad that we had even spoken. As we became closer to one another, the barrier that we had with opening up slowly dissipated. I got to know her better and found we share the same doubts in the relationship we each had with Sakura-chan. She thought that Sakura-chan was much closer to another friend of ours, Naoko-chan. And I had agreed. We both felt left out and separated from them too. We also wished to be closer to Sakura-chan again.

But it isn't working that good… well for me anyway. Rika-chan still talks to her and in my case, I haven't spoken with her since the summer before school started.

I feel as if we would never speak to each other again. I don't want that! And I feel so guilty for not doing anything. Yet, I am too afraid of taking a step. My head is so cluttered with images of her rejection that I don't think that I will be hold myself together, if the event should come to pass. But I had chosen this path. The choice where I leave the situation as it is and deals with it later. Time will come to heal all things… or so I have heard.

Ah! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, so that all the feelings of frustration trapped within my chest will be released. Although it's ironic because no matter how much I want to let out my emotions, I don't think that I will be able to. Well, I think that I will stop writing now. Just thinking about the situation will make myself more depressed anyway. Ja.

-Tomoyo

Edited Version: April 07, 2006

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Notes: Wow. I've finally revisited this old short fiction after such a long time. This version is rewritten so much that little remain from the last version. But nonetheless, I am very satisfied. I hope to redo the first chapter soon. hehe. :)


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